Monday, January 24, 2011

A Lifetime In Darkness

The despair of a life in physical and emotional pain. The despair of being unable to love. Chasing after the "right person" when the inside is broken.

"A Hole in the Soul" -
5-HTT: "The Depression Gene"
"The pain of that rejection, the rejection of who one truly was born as, and was destined to be, if born into an accepting and loving family, continues to be played out. It is not just a one-time-and-its-over rejection; the conditionality of acceptance in ones family remains known in ones gut regardless of lavish claims by parents that one is truly loved. Masterson (Dr. James, MD) has found that, though the child goes along with the game, the feelings of abandonment remain. They can become pervasive. This rejection can be the directing force in one's life, throughout one's life." (For more on Masterson, see his book, 'Search For The Real Self'.)
"... William C. Moyers, a recovering addict (and the son of the journalist Bill Moyers) is quoted as telling a conference of scientists ... recovery is more than just taking a pill or maybe getting a shot...Recovery is also about the spirit, about dealing with that hole in the soul."
"Research by Allan Schore has shown that when infants are left to 'cry it out', though they appear to fall asleep, they instead are in a dissociated state of terror. This inevitably leads to difficulty in regulating emotions. Some children deal with terror by overcompensation, by disowning emotion. As adults, they may appear to be strong human beings who need nothing; but they are neither strong, nor fully human."
"When needs for connectedness are not met, according to Masterson, psychological abandonment takes place and with it, the following feelings: depression, anger-rage, fear, guilt, passivity-helplessness, hopelessness, and emptiness-void. The intensity of these emotions varies from individual to individual, but each emotion, Masterson says, can develop to some degree in each of us."
"Depression: in general, the feeling of loss or threat of loss; the feeling that what one vitally needs for survival cannot be found. ... I believe this terrifying feeling comes from early - and continued - experience that ones needs were too great to be met. "